Plight of the INFJ

November 28, 2007

The topic of personality types has been on my mind a lot lately. Ever since seeing that Harry Potter typology, I’ve revisited the subject of Myers-Briggs and personality typing with the same enthusiasm with which I researched it in high school. Many of my friends have talked or blogged about it recently. Last week I started running Google searches for INFJ-specific topics (how they function as lawyers, what kind of daters they tend to be, etc.) and was quite intrigued by the results. If any of the below gets confusing, see my previous post for a basic introduction to Myers-Briggs methodology. Hefty critiques of the system exist, but I’ve actually found it to have great predictive and interpretive value, so onward!

Yours truly is an INFJ – Introverted, iNtuitive, Feeling, and Judging. The skinny is that time alone energizes me, my thinking is big-picture and gut-feeling dominated, my interpersonal interactions are emotionally driven, and I prefer order and closure to spontaneity in my decisionmaking. My type hasn’t changed since I took my first full-length Myers-Briggs test in middle school (though entering the working world has strengthened my J). INFJs make up about 1% of the total population, making it the rarest of the personality types. To everyone who thought I was a weird kid, yeah, you were right on the money. Because of the rarity of this temperment, I don’t feel the least bit guilty about publicizing it with some educational rambling.

For better or worse, we live in a world dominated by Extroverts and Sensors, as 75% of people are Es and 75% are Ss. It’s the main reason why formative years are tough on INs. They’re almost never the popular kids growing up but often find their niche later in life once they mature and hone their social skills. Not to say that life gets all that much easier after school – common adjectives used to describe INFJs include “complex,” “reserved,” “brooding,” and other emo-sounding words. Those words, sadly, are rarely off the mark.

In the dating world, for example, INFJs tend to fall into one of two categories: reclusive non-daters or serial monogamists. They often have difficulty connecting with people or fall too hard for the wrong people, leading many of them to give up on trying to actively date. On the other hand, the NF’s desire to form deep bonds with people, combined with the J’s tendency to seek definition and/or direction in relationships, means that INFJs usually can’t enjoy random hookups or casual dating nearly as much as most other personality types can. Sleeping with strangers can make for good stories or prompt high-fives from friends, but a given tryst will ultimately leave the average INFJ feeling either empty and dissatisfied with the meaninglessness of the encounter or, conversely, clingy and emotionally invested in a usually disproportionate way. INFJs also value sincerity foremost when seeking a mate, so they feel turned off by the facade that most within the young-and-single crowd project. Trendy clothes, cheesy come-ons, and flaunted banter just don’t do it for them.

The upside is that once an INFJ finds someone with whom he shares attraction and compatibility, he usually makes a damn good partner. INFJs have nearly endless ability to connect deeply with others, use their keen intuition to see that their partners’ needs are met, and prove fiercely loyal. Interestingly, INFJs pair well with a wide variety of other temperments, but with one important caveat: no Ss. We can gain levelheadedness from INTJs, enjoy the warm sponteneity of ENFPs, and even match wits with ENTJs, but the cardinal rule seems to be that INFJs avoid Sensors like the plague. It’s probably no accident that I’ve never had a relationship with an S. I’ve taken plenty on dates, only to end up agitated and bored before the drinks even arrive. Those whose N is weak can probably make exceptions, but for us strong Ns, anything long-term with an S is almost out of the question. We need companions with the kind of see-the-whole-forest thinking that only strong Ns usually display.

INFJs usually keep several friends, and that’s all they require. The good news is that we don’t need a large social circle to feel satisfied with our interpersonal lives. The bad news is if we don’t have that little circle, contrary to what appearances convey, it can be agonizing. We’re sometimes mistaken for aloof, but we’re anything but. Introvertedness makes us reserved and less willing to express fondness for others, but the F factor reflects our need to have at least a few sincere folks in our lives who truly get us and the desire to make others happy, and when that need goes unmet for long enough, INFJs become prone to antisocial behavior and even depression. We tend to be picky about the company we keep, which complicates the friend-making process. Get us running with the right crowd, though, and we can be as jovial and fun-loving as the most outgoing extroverts.

With vivid memories of schoolyard awkwardness and failed romances, many INFJs (myself especially) learn to mimic other personality types or, at the very least, take lessons from those other types. One of my first girlfriends, on our disastrous first date, accused me of “stealing her personality.” She was probably right. In middle school, I developed my social skills by observing others and then acting like them. It wasn’t until late in college when I finally got comfortable letting my true colors show upon meeting someone new. I’m still somewhat cautious around new folks, but I’m always aware when I’m holding back, and I do it purposefully instead of involuntarily. There was also a time when I suffered from hopeless romantic tendencies. Yup, I was that kid: bad poetry, flowers during class, countless declarations of affection, and oversensitivity to rejection. To be fair, I still have those tendencies. Probably always will. But I’ve grown thicker skin and learned not to act on those impulses unless doing so won’t make me look crazy.

That’s the story about how we lowly INFJs get along in social contexts. I promise that we’re worth getting to know – we do loved to be pulled out of our shells. Expect a post about INFJs and careers later on.


154 Responses to “Plight of the INFJ”

  1. INFP all the way, baby! Do you know what percent of the population is INFP? Great post! I love this stuff!

  2. Wells said

    Not sure exactly what percentage, but I’m guessing it’s fairly small, too. INFPs are often called “poets,” “dreamers,” and “idealists.” Apt descriptions, no? Plus you get to run with the likes of Remus Lupin and William Shakespeare.

  3. Andrea said

    Hey, I’m an INFJ as well. I connected with a lot of your post. Thank you for making me feel not quite so disconnected from most of the world. πŸ™‚

  4. Dan said

    INFJ, to the core. I consider myself lucky to have another 3 INFJ’s as some of my closest friends. That knowledge makes life that extra bit easier to tackle. We are smart and tough. Viva la INFJ!!!

  5. Anonymous said

    Ohhh this is so funny. I’m an INFJ also… Have you found anything about INFJ’s getting bored easily?? I tend to welcome change often, b/c if not I get extremely bored and very negative about a stagnant situation. This includes people (which sometimes makes me feel bad 😦 )

    • sydnei carlton said

      Yup. That’s me. I need to constantly be doing new things. If I am not stimulated like this, I begin to sink into depression. My mind and spirit need new things. One day I’m rock climbing, the next day I’m spontaneously entering poetry competitions.

    • sydnei carlton said

      this often makes it hard for me to find partners because instead of seeing this as ‘great!’ or a ‘fun personality!’ or ‘adventurous!’ … most men see it as intimidating.

  6. Jonathan said

    I’m an INFJ too, have had this site bookmarked for quite some time now. Good work πŸ™‚

  7. Julia said

    I am an INFJ too. I mimic personalities too, only to disappoint the people who have just met when I tire of acting different from who I am. Ultimately, I think that the mass majority are turned off by our enigmatic persona. hate that I am extremely complex, sometimes I don’t even understand my self. When in the face of a failure and talking about it with a Sensory-personality, I noticed that our explanations of our actions that lead to failure can be seen as “excuses” to these frustrating people. But these explanations are totally spot-on! If you suffer from that as well, Don’t Let Them Think Youre Wrong.
    You know who you are.
    They never will.
    It is a hard life, but its odd that I think our personality type can express the most emotions even when we are alone. I feel the most alive when alone or with people who I know will not try to harm my happiness or joy. Because, really, that is what it is. People don’t understand the brooding moments, the outgoing joy moments, everything.

    • sydnei carlton said

      I know! Often, I don’t want to be around people to talk and interact. I just want to be around their energy. Their aura. And do something quietly. Flow into a happy space. Easy people. People that can be quiet and not feel the need to say things all the time. I find it hardest when people make me feel like I should be apologizing for being me. I hate that I am expected or that I can… accept others for who they are but others are not prepared to return that favour! When I look at myself outside myself, I am not that hard a person to get along with. I TELL PEOPLE exactly what I want and who I am. They are not ‘turned off’…they are scared. They are scared that we can GET IT …so easily.

      I was at a party once. And people thought it was the coolest thing, this party trick that I could do, whereby I can tell people about what they did for a living, if they’re the eldest kid, single/married etc etc. Then… they just dispersed because they felt exposed. I hate it.

      • seaswan said

        And people mistaken my “GET IT” ability to munipulative, or wanting too much (since I can predict things happen, for example I can predict they’ll ‘give’ things to me if I ask), or something else, I don’t know what they think but you are right THEY ARE SCARED.
        They would only understand us if they have the “GET IT” ability too, where they can just take it easy and have fun with us.

    • Lauren said

      I agree completely. I wouldn’t say that I am easily influenced or anything, but as an observant infj, sometimes it’s hard to realize that you may be picking up on others personalities without totally changing yourself.

    • krach09 said

      i hate the fact that i accept others’ flaws so easily and they can’t accept mine. its my biggest worry when it comes to dating. i am straight out complex but i am accepting. and people are intimidated by us who “get it” and i get mighty pissed abt that.

      i see right through people. maybe this “intuition” can be deemed intimidating.

  8. Thomas said

    Thank you for your post…I am an INFJ and have been gonig through tough times lately…Not to make excuses for mistake I may have made, but your post helped me to affirm who I am and not to be so hard on myself…especially the dating part, hhaha.

  9. Ryan said

    Dude. I found this on google. As a fellow INFJ I sympathize with all of you! Childhood was bad haha. I spent most of my time observing the other kids and it seemed agreed that I didn’t have a personality of my own. I act more like an ENFJ now in public, but keep a huge divide between 95% of people and who I actually am. It just confuses them. Now I read people like a book, which can be kind of unsettling. I’ve occasionally been used as a litmus test for friends to intuitively evaluate new people. I spend a tremendous amount of time thinking deeply, and being aware of how little other people think is isolating. The meditation has led to significant understanding, but I can’t say it’s enhanced my quality of life. Ignorance really is bliss. I do have a coherent understanding of the world but to others I seem varyingly romantic and cynical. Romance is both essential and endlessly painful… idealism in practice. I’m convinced the best match is another INFJ. No one else has the tools to understand/keep up with me, as well as a deep desire for oneness and equality. Good luck to you all!

    • sydnei carlton said

      I’m currently falling hopeless for another INFJ and he’s driving me insane. I am sure, in theory another INFJ would work brilliantly. But the games! oh the games!! He is avoiding me like the plague because he knows that I get him; and he’s suspicious of me.

      The worst thing about being INFJ for me, is the fact that (as you say) ignorance really is bliss. I wish I could be ignorant. I wish I did not perceive and understand clearly. I wish I could ‘switch off’/’take it easy’/’let go’/’go with the flow'(whatever the hell that means!).

      • Robert said

        Reading your post makes me want to cry. I thought we INFJ’s just want to love and be loved but your right. So suspicious we are. I wish that I could be a natural. Just walk into a bar and blah blah blah…

  10. anonymous said

    “Interestingly, INFJs pair well with a wide variety of other temperments, but with one important caveat: no Ss.”

    So true. Good insight. πŸ™‚

    • Just Thinking said

      Totally agree. Just interviewed with a wonderful INTJ, but the boss is an ISTJ and I met him today (2nd interview). I am fortunately aware of the “S” and I intend to not take this job if offered. So much experience with the “S” type and what it does to me has over-ridden all of my naturally positive trust.

  11. Athena said

    i am an infj who is currently perched on the lounge with the air conditioning set at an icy 20 degrees, my laptop harnessed to my lap, ‘A New Earth’ by Ekhart Tolle sitting by my side and a sketchbook with a half finished drawing of a homeless man sitting on the other side. i am bouncing between the lot and loving every moment of my perfectly introverted day. i recently realised for most of the last 8 years i have been mimicking the extroverted type and exhausting myself in the process, so finally honouring my real need for solitude has been refreshing to say the least. i’ve enjoyed laughing at your post, it has been warm and entertaining, thank you.

  12. Hello and greetings fellow INFJers!

    So nice to see comments from other readers here on this blog. I thought I’d drop a line or two to say how wonderful it is to know of other people who think, feel, react and live like I do.

    I took my personality test several times over a year ago and was amazed by the assessments I read about our personality type. It fits me in so many ways that it’s spooky.

    I just decided today that I need to start reaching out to other INFJers. So, I posted something to Craigslist and I’m already having an e-mail discussion with someone. I’ve also decided that the INFJ personality type of is what I’ll focus on in a future mate as well.

  13. bohemianangel said

    I’m an INFJ! I’ve always thought I was weird, now I know I’m just rare.You’re right school is really awkward for me and so is dating opportunities next to nil. But I’ve come to accept whom I am and that I don’t need to be anyone else because it doesn’t work. Great post!

  14. Annette said

    Great post, I’m also and INFJ and completely relate to mimicking others in my youth. I wanted so desperately to be “outgoing.”

  15. Jennifer said

    Hi, I really enjoyed your article. I’m a fellow INFJ too, your post made me happy because I don’t feel like the only one in the world who’s like this :o) Thanks!

  16. Drew said

    Yep, another INFJ, though I seem to bounce between that and INFP. I also find myself mimicking others around me and it really bothers me sometimes… I also think people pick up on that. I read people far too well and agree that ignorance is bliss. People who really get to know me think I’m psychic, it really scares them for a bit. I’ve tried so much to break my deep thinking habits to gain a light mental state for a more outgoing personality, but that has caused me to mis-represent myself so that the people I socialize with don’t really know me.

    Reading articles like this has really helped me to accept me for who I really am. I know now that I need to balance my need for alone time (Introversion) and my need to socialize (Feeling), even if everybody doesn’t understand that. Keep making an impact! It’s what we INFJs do best!

    • Robert said

      I can identify with the bit you said about being outgoing in order to meet people and then once I get to know them I have to have this conversation that amounts to something like ‘I tricked you, if you hate me and want to leave I cant be mad’.

  17. Mina said

    I just stumbled on your post about INFJ’s,and have to say thanks. I recently took the Meyer’s-Briggs test again, after having taken it in grade school some years ago. I was surprised to have gotten the rarest type, and took the test four more times just to be certain. I can relate to just about everything you wrote, and am glad to know I’m not alone, and that my life experiences are felt by many others.
    I fully relate to Ryan’s post about relationships, and what we need in them, and found Athena’s comment about happily enjoying her introverted day refreshing, and very similar to how I enjoy my days off, and quiet time.
    Thanks for articulating what so many of us feel, yet have a hard time explaining to our non-INFJ friends and family.

  18. eyo said

    hey i’m an NFJ too!!!!!!

  19. Mike said

    Good post, but I was a little disturbed to read some of the negatively tinged stereotypes you repeated about the temperament.

    As a therapist (and an INFJ), I’ve worked with dozens of INFJs to help them gain greater acceptance of themselves and to stop apologizing (to both others AND themselves) for being who they are. Too often we succumb to the hegemony of E’s and S’s (frankly, it’s hard not to) and retreat into this tiny little corner of humanity that we feel is our only paltry birthright in this world. I think I did that until I was in my late 20s, until I realized finally that the rest of the world was at least as flawed as I was. It’s a bad habit, and one that can be unlearned just as it was learned in adolescence.

    INFJs are flawed people, and we are keenly aware of it–often too keenly aware. Even so, the other 98% of humanity has a cornucopia of neuroses for which they almost never apologize. How many ESFPs have you ever seen express any self-deprecation for being too spontaneous? It’s silly to think; they are a package deal. Without that spontaneity the world would be deprived of their sparkling performances. Their sometimes flightiness and insincerity are merely byproducts of this trait, thorns on the rose.

    Analogously, the world would suffer tremendously if INFJs weren’t the introspective, thoughtful people we are. ‘Brooding’ and ‘reserved’ are labels that carry a whole cartload of negative connotation with them, connotation bestowed by E’s and S’s who lack our keener insight and often don’t really even understand it. It’s good with the bad. After all, you don’t come by wisdom or poetry without spending some time alone in serious contemplation.

    INFJs need to work hard not to buy into some of the negative descriptions of our temperament, even if the cost of protecting our own self-esteem is developing a less-compromising public demeanor. It’s a price worth paying. We’re too valuable to ourselves and to the people around us to sacrifice any facet of our complex senses of self to ignorance.

    • Robert said

      Right on! This post my be a bit biased but I’m trying hard to enjoy and take your advice to heart.

    • Paul Voorhies said

      I absolutely love your comment and the way you communicated it. Exceptionally well done!

    • Stephanie said

      Thank you for remind me to give myself “permission” to love who I am. Another step on the path to self-actualization. πŸ™‚

    • Anonymous said

      Fellow INFJ and counselor – thank you for the spirit of your post – very instructive – it’s ok to be an INFJ – really? Yes. Don’t expect a great deal of empathy from the larger populace, however. I understand the interest, and accuracy, that all types have faults. Specifically, can you elaborate on the nature of faults observed w/ regard to your personal and professional INFJ type? And, why the adjective “deeply,” as if emphasis is needed w/ regard to INFJ. After all, we can have a very difficult time accepting error w/out remediation, or at least good faith amelioration in the interst of common good.

  20. Robin said

    I am also an INFJ, and have suffered many of the same “plights” as the rest of you. It seems that most of the attributes that are so innate to our personalities are also the most socially unacceptable. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like such a gift to be so “rare”. It is comforting to know that others like me are out there.

  21. Outi said

    A wonderful text, thank you!

    I am an INFJ myself, and reading on the type can help me alot when I have difficulty understanding myself; either the way I lead life, the way I react to things or why something makes me feel the way it does.

  22. Vonne said

    I am an INFJ myself and reading this I felt like I wrote it. It took me till college to get comfortable in my skin. I spent the first part of my life trying to become someone else because I thought something was wrong with me. Thanks for the amazing post. I appreciate how “unique” I am.

  23. Renee said

    Just found this today. Very well written, but what else do you expect from an INFJ?

    I find it kind of hilarious that all of us INFJs are like, so totally in love with knowing we are INFJs. I, for one, absolutely love tests like this, because it seems to back up what I already knew, but with a theory that FINALLY gives validity to it. Eat THAT Ss.

    Question for you, and other INFJs. In what way, if any, do you feel connected to psychic/paranormal/spiritual phenomena? I find that I have always known things about the spiritual world that others do consider “knowns.” I’m no ghost whisperer (although I love her bangs) but I feel aware of other entities “not of this world.” Anyone else?

    • Robert said

      For me when I read the description of the INFJ after taking the test it was just such a relief to understand why I have felt so alone. I then repeatedly took the test in hopes of finding out it wasn’t true. The whole thing is a bit of a curse. Let me shut up now because I am not always so gloomy.

    • Amane said

      I know it’s a bit late of a reply but I just found this. I too am an INFJ and it does make my life a bit more…let’s just say “challenging”.

      I too feel aware of other energies, being, spirits, etc. But because of how our world culture is, it’s hard to really reach out to others. :\ But it is very validating to have a science behind who we are (psychology)

  24. Lyndsay said

    Wow! That’s all I am gonna say. I just took this personality test 3-4 times, and everytime I was an infj. After reading everyones response and the profile of an infj personality, I felt like I could relate 110%. I have always said that I feel different than everyone else and have a hard time making an emotional connection with many. Of course, unless there is an emotional connection, the relationship is doomed from the start. I could go on and on about how I can relate to everyones experiences. It gives me confidence to know that I am not alone in this world. It is only appropriate that we are so rare, because we don’t need the satisfaction of having a lot of friends, as long as we have the few that truly understand…truly priceless!

  25. Danielle said

    Finding myself… To ever think a short test was all it would take for me to better understand myself. Putting a few more of the pieces in place. I am an INFJ also and am thankful to see all the things that you all have write-in. I’m not alone and I feel such happiness knowing that.
    I am only 21 and now starting to let my true colors show. There have been bumps along the way, most with my family who have never seen this much of my true self even as I still hold back the parts I know they will not like. I want to be me with out having to hold back from them like I do but I don’t want to hurt them. I’m at a loss for the time being for as what I think best to do.
    Thank you all INFJs. It helps to see even this many and know that I’m not alone in any of this.

  26. Paris said

    I stumbled across your post, and found myself really glad to have finally become comfortable in my own skin at almost 40. It’s taken me this long not to make excuses anymore for who I really am and not care what others think. I am just so tired of feeling so alone in this world – like I’m not really making “people” connections. Besides people in general thinking I’m weird, I have never been able to connect with my own family. The only person that really understands me is my counselor, and I have to pay to let her hear me think out loud once a month. I am glad to know that there are other INFJs. I am really not alone.

  27. Nina said

    I came across this today, and everything that you described is precisely what I’ve gone through. It’s crazy. After finding out that I’m an INFJ, I’m starting to finally understand myself, and realize that not only am I not a freak, but most importantly, I’m not alone. It’s still an ongoing inner war, but every battle won is another battle less to fight.

    cheers! =)

  28. Anonymous said

    It is so nice to read all of these comments. I am an INFJ and it is so hard to desperately want deep meaningful relationships but struggle so hard to form them. Does everyone here feel that INFJ’s do not have good relationships with S people? I have recently started dating an ISTJ and our instant connection has been amazing. Like I met him and I feel like we might be made for each other instantly. I don’t usually feel like that and as an INFJ I really trust my intuition. Is this relationship doomed?

    • Paul Voorhies said

      I work with an ISTJ whom I adore. I think I’m attracted to his confidence, orderliness, and amazing sense of style. In fact, I’ve learned that I have a soft spot for ISTJs in general. Part of it is that I’m drawn to try to figure them out. They are true introverts and hold back quite a lot of themselves. That being said, though, ISTJs are whip smart, they are generally very simple communicators. I’ve figured out that when something emotional happens, we tend to hang on to it and analyze it six ways til Sunday. All the ISTJ wants is to acknowledge it, deal with it, and then put it behind them; learn to respect that. Learn to take them on their word; for they are straightforward and honest. Sometimes, I want to shake them up some now and then and mess their hair up a bit, but maybe that’s just me.

    • Anonymous said

      I have ISTJs all around me!
      Mom, sister, best friend, business partners!!
      I love them and I know I am good for them. I also know how to protect myself (now) from their coldness and unwilling to see other view points.
      I don’t think I could have a long term ratlationship with one. There is ALWAYS a wall I hit with a an (Se) and it can hurt at times.
      You may be able to though.
      My ENTP has helped me grow so much and I don’t think any Introvert would have the best choice for me.
      Only thing I really wish from my husband is that he could go deeper.
      He is like a puddle and I’m a vast ocean. BUT he loves me as is and I’m free to be me with him. He brings fun, spontaneity, and warmth to my world. And help him self reflection and the grander vision in life. He is an awesome man. πŸ™‚

  29. Renee said

    To Anonymous Above,

    I am an INFJ, married happily to an ISTJ. Also, my best girl friend is an ISTJ. Somehow it works. I think ISTJs might be the exception to the S Rule. πŸ™‚

    The one thing you have to remember is that they just think differently than you. You’re going to have to accept that they will roll their eyes a couple of times, because they think you are WAY too sensitive, and I’m sure you will get your feelings hurt by the way they put things, but INFJs have the unique ability, in my opinion, to make any relationship work, once we realize who we are, and how easily we can empathize.

    Go with your gut, each and every time. Good luck!

    • Just Thinking said

      You must be an exceptional INFJ. Every Sensor I’ve ever known has been completely unable to even remotely understand me, In fact, they’ve openly devalued me.

    • Dion said

      Pretty late to the party on this reply. Anyway, I also am happily married to an ISTJ. There’s a learning curve, but if you’re open to their completely different way of viewing the world, it can be a breath of fresh air. Oh, and it helps tremendously to read about your partner’s personality type–so much insight!

      • Roger said

        Hello, I’m an INFJ. Great to hear some INFJ’s happily married to ISTJ’s, each person is going to connect with us uniquiely. I personally have dated several ISTJ’s and the ST aspect always was a huge disconnection. The ST never understoond the deeper emotional part of me and so I was left feeling isolated/lonely emotionally. Perhaps for an INFJ, it depends on how strong the F is for each person, but I have found for myself as a strong F, it just doesn’t work with ST’s. The times I have been in love looking back now have always been with strong NF’s who were able to connect at a deeper feeling/emotional level.

      • Anonymous said

        I’m also an INFJ happily married to an ISTJ. My husband embodies many of the stereotypical ISTJ characteristics, but he does not devalue my emotions. We’ve found a balance – he brings me out of my head a bit and I bring him into his head a bit. When we’re both taking care of ourselves, it’s a beautiful balance. Learning more about my personality type has brought profound insight, but it has NOT made it easier to be who I am. Coming out of my head and emotions a bit has brought more peace to me than insight has (though I love love love the insight, constantly seek it and have found it very helpful on other levels). The loyalty aspect of the ISTJ has been important in making our marriage work. I’ve learned to understand and appreciate my husband’s ways of demonstrating love (taking out the trash and other chores, listening intently even when he’s totally lost in my ramblings, and generally striving to make my life easier), and am more aware now than ever that my way is NOT the only way and that I’m generally happier when I allow myself to not be right all the time. πŸ™‚

  30. Spodee said

    Ah, this is so incredibly me that it’s not funny!
    Well, I’m a 15 year old girl but personality wise, wow!
    I always knew I was INFJ from the moment I took online tests and read the brief results, they should put this on the results page of every personality test as nothing could sum up an INFJ as much as this does.

    Thank you so much for this post! πŸ˜€

  31. Sophie said

    Hello, Could you please unsubscribe me? I left a comment 4 mos ago and now I get spammed every time someone leaves a random comment. Please kindly remove me from the list.


  32. Jeremiah said

    I felt unique till I read all the responses. Haha! Hey all you INFJ peeps. I have taken the quiz about 15 times and gotten INFJ each time. I take it periodically to see if I really am an INFJ. (No clue why). But I can relate with a lot of yall. Hopeless romantic. What I find odd is that a lot of my personality traits contradict other traits. I’m confident yet rejection scares the crap out of me. Outgoing, yet so not in different scenarios. I felt comfort in reading an INFJ’s description because it allowed a description of my personality (98% what I felt) to describe me more than I ever could.

  33. Marie said

    Thanks for the post and all the replys. I am an INFJ and always wanted to be an extrovert like others, but at the same time not: I enjoyed myself so much.

    I read a few years ago that 75% of the population of the world is extroverted and therefore society is built by extroverts, for extroverts. That helped me for a few years. Recently I’ve serioisly considered myself being asexual, really. The last month I have been digging deep into MBTI and INFJ and I finally! understand myself. People apreciate me and say I’m special and now I know that it it true. I never knew what to do with myself, although I always trusted my intuition and “knew” where I went but never could explain it to others. I have the tendency to isolate as a strategy to avoid having to motivate my personality.

    I found this article be searching for infj+dating, because I wanted to read more about what I am beginning to understand: the men or women that I would go well with romantically are not out there, they are at home! (Or in a club/group, at university or in a society of some kind. Or in front of the computer.) I am not asexual … I just have to start articulating what I want (another person with integrity, warmth, intuition, loyal, that seeks spiritual closeness) so that other introverts recognize me and/or go where they might be. I have to act. I’ve been looking at the wrong guys. We are rare. I thought everyone wanted what I wanted. INFJ reading gives me the language for who I am and what I want in a partner.

  34. Lacy said

    I am also an infj ,and it is true that we are never really happy or satisfied with our lives. Their is always room for improvement lol. I think my worst fear is that i will never meet someone who really understands me and I do feel different than other people. Being an infj is not a bad thing though, i feel blessed to be able to care about ,and understand what other people are feeling. I am in my early twenties and hopefully have a long to acheive my goals and be able to help others. (a very infj view of life)

  35. Hunter said

    i’m an INFJ too.

    your post is spot on with me. i’m 17, so those things you talked about you did as a kid i’m doing now lol. i noticed that some people said they were INFJ’s and they were good at reading people. I’m like this too, do you think it might be a trait of INFJ’s?

  36. Christina said

    WOW. Everything….all of that….yes. I’m an INFJ teenger struggling with depression at the moment. I’ve always felt isolated. It’s so horrible when you realize you’re a complete weirdo to society. No lie. 1%. But now I feel like it’s okay..and it’s actually a good thing. I can make a difference in the world with my unique skills and talents. No need to try to change to fit a mold.

  37. David said

    I am 30 years old and took a MBT in high school. Is said I was INFJ. I didn’t really think about it again until recently…when years of failed relationships caught up with me. A counselor told me I should examine why I don’t have much luck with women. Well, I think it has to do with this personality type of ours. I’m definitely picky, but it’s not because I’m a jerk, it’s because I value that one-on-one connection more than anything else, not to mention that person needs to complement me in front of friends, family, co-workers…which is a tall order! How does anyone complement an INFJ? we stand alone! lol. anyway, reading your text made me sob uncontrollably for awhile because it hurts to know the reasons why an INFJ is often alone (or thinks he is alone) in this world. than you for helping me realize I am not alone.

  38. Jane said

    I am in my mid fifties and have tested as an INFJ since I was a teenager. Self valuation is key. Yes, our numbers are small, but as Kiersey says that’s “regrettable” because of our “strong drive to contribute to the welfare of others.” And that has been the key for me — rather than trying to gain accepatance or understanding from others. INFJ’s have the capacity to empathize and understand others that the other types don’t have. So at midlife — bringing in a little “T” function — it makes rational sense to me that we would feel alone (unless were with other INFJ’s!!) It’s not a sad or terribble thing — it’s just a reflection of our strength.

  39. MW Hope said

    Hey, just want to say hi after I read this article! I found it by google search as well- when I was frustrated by being alone and not able to find a boyfriend. I have been searching for 10 years, and I knew the reason why I couldn’t fit in and find somebody to date- rareast personality type what can I say. Yet I still wish miracle could happen. It sucks to watch myself getting old alone. So fellow INFJs, where are you? Where do you find somebody to date? To me, a good conversation is as good as good sex. But most people are boring, and guys I am interested in aren’t impressed by my “mind”, they only look at appearance, popularity, that sort of thing.

  40. Anton S said

    Hi fellow INFJ’ers..

    I have allways had that feeling in my head.. “Why am i different” or “Why can’t i be normal”. It was only later on in life (i’m 27 now) that i realized that i should embrace my difference. I see now that people want to hear what i have to say. In highschool, I had a really hard time trying to fit into a catagory.. nerd, jocks, geeks, Mathletes lol. I allways tend to float around.

    I am, like most INFJ’s appearantly, still single and for the exact reasons mentioned in all the other comments.

    I agree with the above comment that a good conversation is like good sex to me.. I’ve had one-night stands where i feel like “is this really me?.. did i really just do that”.

    TO my fellow INFJ’ers.. Don’t ever settle.. it’ll make your life miserable. Even when everyone else tells you to lower your standards.. DON’T EVER DO THAT.. just the thought of that makes me wanna throw up. I will find someone, and she’s gonna be awesome.. whether thats tomorrow or 10 years from now..

    INFJ’s for life!
    Anton S

  41. Anton S said

    just had to add an extra piece to my previous post after reading all of the other posts.

    Mimicking is something i used to do a lot, just so that people wouldn’t think i was a freak.

    Its kinda hard for me to write anything more, because you guys, being INFJ’s, already know what i’m gonna be writing haha.. its not gonna be anything new. The feeling of being psychic used to creep me out. Times i feel like i know what people are gonna say before they say it. This was the reason why my 2nd relationship ended. I could usually predict what she would say, and i got bored. In a conversation I allways listen to choice of words they use, and I wonder why they use that word, instead of another word that means the same thing.

    I recently told one of my friends that I was an INFJ, after he read up on all the other personality types, and his response was “Do you think you’re in INFJ, cause you want to be one”… When he said that, I was not surprised. I knew he would say something like that. I detected a small amount of jealously.. like I beat him in a Personality test lol..

    Most of the time I’m stuck asking myself “Am I the only one thats hearing this”. I think we pick up on subtle variation in pitch and volume when we listen to someone speak, that really tell us a lot about that person.

    Anyways, i’m rambling on. I’m just happy that i’m not alone in this world..

  42. suze said

    Hi. I googled myself here.

    I’m skeptical of the idea that everyone in this world can fall into one of the 16 personality types (as outlined by Myers-Briggs), but I’m also intrigued by the uncanny resemblance your insights and experiences share with mine. I guess there is something to all this.

    I recently read an extensive profile of my boyfriend’s personality type INTP. It was awfully creepy how his profile description accurately guessed so many aspects of his life: his job, his interests, the state of his apartment, and even the recent relationship problems we’d experienced. After reading his profile, I began to understand things about him that I’d never considered before. As a result, I grew curious about what my personality would be and took the same test.

    I read over the INFJ profile description hungrily. Then I spent the next few hours going through my google INFJ hits, forgetting to eat, forgetting to sleep. I was excited to know what secrets I’d uncover about myself.

    That whole bit you mentioned about adopting other people’s personality is me. Oversensitivity to rejection? Bingo. My relationship with my INTP boyfriend has definitely stirred changes in my behavior. I’ve become less romantic. I try to mimic his logic-driven perspective and refrain from irrational emotional outbursts. The changes appear to be mere camouflage, however, since I took this test and still came out with results that feel like me.

    Personality, it appears, is something that can’t be overridden.

  43. sydnei carlton said

    Dude, I feel like you just laid my life and personality out in front of me. I am an INFJ to the core. Both favourably and unfavourably. It has been a long and hard struggle. I often get described as ‘intense’ or ‘complicated’ or ‘complex’ or ‘assertive’ when what they really mean is ‘passionate’.

    So much of INFJ is difficult.

  44. sydnei carlton said

    I too blend and merge so easily with others because I’ve learned how to mimic other personalities in order to fit in. At times, I forget what my personality is.

  45. Bella said

    Nice! Thanks for that. And I think you’re right–we INFJ’s avoid the S’s like the plague!

  46. Lori said

    Just figured out I was an INTJ and feel relieved that there is a model for my behavior. I am described as unique, intense and strong. I have had a very difficult romantic life been called judgemental, a liar, everything. I wonder why I am the garbage dump for other people’s issues. I think its cuz I am empathic and am drawn to their troubled areas – this is detrimental to happiness.

    I really enjoy argentine tango find its a very good outlet for my natural following skills. I am the best follower in the world if I choose to listen to my audience – anyhow I love the nonverbal communication. I also enjoy listening to people, music where I don’t really understand the language.

    I don’t think infj’s are flawed – that’s ridiculous. We are what we are (I think I read that earlier by some kind of psychologist).

    Learn to embrace yourself and be glad that you are basically a good person who means well and don’t freak out when you surface other people’s vulnerabilities – better us than anybody else.

    Solidarity people.

  47. Anna said

    I found this post very comforting, as I’ve been doing a bit of soul searching as to why I am the way I am, and why I’m so conflicted as to whether I want to be social or not. Nowhere else have I seen it mentioned that without that small circle of close friends, it is pure hell. That is where I am now, and that was the perfect description. It’s so difficult, as I’m sure you all know, we hate keeping up meaningless friendships. It’s tiring, worthless and sad. But how to get to the meaningful relationships that I want without a (horrible) starting point? I am exactly to type in the relationship department. I have just seperated from ymy partner and cannot sleep alone (despite being an introvert) because I have become so used to having that connection and just generally I’m used to sharing love with someone. But I would never say that I need to surround myself with people … I just need one, or two. The only thing about the INFJ that I don’t relate to is that I am very willing to express my feelings to others, though yes, most of the time I am not clear enough, or misunderstood. I read this is usually our complex inner minds assuming that people will understand where we are coming from based off hidden meanings. They usually don’t.

  48. Tony said

    I have a new boss and he’s an ISTJ. I’ve read that INFJ and ISTJ are opposites and can have difficulty working together, but have not found any good resources to provide tips on forging a productive relationship. We just haven’t connected and our interactions are very strained. Does anyone have information on how INFJs can improve professional relationships with ISTJs?

  49. jola said

    I’m an extremly strong INFJ .All my youth (18-38)was inceadibly unhappy , full of depression and no self -esteem .There wewe no NFs in my life only Ss who kept convincing me I was weird , abnormal and different .After yeay of therapy I’ve grown to love my NFness , really enjoy it fo what it is and wouldn’t exchange it for any other type.I actively look for other NFs .I think at its best this type of personality is capable of giving extreme happiness and contentment in life .

  50. seaswan said

    @jola, you said it right,
    “I think at its best this type of personality is capable of giving extreme happiness and contentment in life .”
    I discovered this part of myself later on too. But sadly, not much people nowadays value happiness as much, too many people are chasing superficial things, so our value is not widely acknowledged.
    I want to find other NFs as well, I am tired of being different from everybody else everywhere I go. Anybody here know how to connect with other NFs?

  51. jola said

    Our happiness is different from Ss or Es .What I feel is an increadible sense of serenity , being at peace with myself , being happy that I’m evolving , self -actualising , whatever you want to call it – growing .Having other NFs around helps tremendously , they are all around you , though rare , go out and look for them .I can easily spot a fellow NF and in the past two years made friends with 3 wondeful NFs .I’m very lucky my best friend is INFJ – we undestand each other perfectly .It’s not like I don’t assosiate with oher types , I just know what to expect .It doesn’t matter to me if the majority of peoele do not value happiness as much as I do , for me this and self -development is the point of life .I am the best proof you can be extemly happy as an INFJ inspite of external circumstances because our happiness is not a matter of externals .

    • Just Thinking said

      What is happiness for an S? Stuff? Statistics?

      • Linnet said

        Stuff. The S types I know are profoundly focused on acquisition and maintenance of material things. The SJ types also find a good deal of satisfaction in career success, community standing, and family relationships. SP types tend to find more happiness in experiences–travel, physical challenges, good food and drink, and so on.

  52. Lauren said

    wow. just wow. i am 15 and i feel as though I can relate to the profile of an INFJ. 100% I gotta admit, it’s tough being in high school as an infj. You all would know, a lot of you have been there. It is sooo cool to see these comments from other people like me. I didn’t think my personality type existed and now I know y. Cause it’s so rare! This is a great site. Infjs unite! (hehe, that rhymed.)

  53. Lauren said

    AS far as careers go, I was also surprised at some of the things I found to be considered as good careers for infjs. Bookstore owner, psychologist, art therapist, artist. These are all things that I’ve always wanted to be. The fact that we just study people and “read” them without knowing that we do that for some reason astonishes me. I can remember when i was in the 1st grade and I wanted to be this guy’s friend. Instinctively I knew just how to do it. By acting like him, pay attention to his interests, say things that you know they want to hear. To most, i’m just the quit artist with a slightly different view of the world, and to do research on INFJs just makes it feel like, well, it’s nice for someone to read my own soul for a change.

  54. Lauren said

    AS far as careers go, I was also surprised at some of the things I found to be considered as good careers for infjs. Bookstore owner, psychologist, art therapist, artist. These are all things that I’ve always wanted to be. The fact that we just study people and “read” them without knowing that we do that for some reason astonishes me. I can remember when i was in the 1st grade and I wanted to be this guy’s friend. Instinctively I knew just how to do it. By acting like him, paying attention to his interests, saying things that you know they want to hear. To most, i’m just the quiet artist with a slightly different view of the world, and to do research on INFJs just makes it feel like, well, it’s nice for someone to read my own soul for a change.

  55. jola said

    The Plight of INFJ ? I adore being an INFJ .It’s been said that our lives are not always easy and mine certainly hasen;t.But over the years I’ve come to love , appreciate and be grateful for our strong points and to deal with and accept our weaknesses .Ive come to see my NFness as my biggest asset and wouldn’t have it any other way .I’m all INFJ – artist , passionate about psychology and a college teacher .I enjoy teaching so much more than my S collegues because I get a tremendous amount of possitive feedback from my students and I do feel heaps of empathy and sympathy for them .

    • Just Thinking said

      It’s the job fit woes, that’s mainly it. You’re fortunate to have landed right where you need to be.

  56. Jennifer said

    As an INFJ, I feel like I wrote this myself. πŸ™‚

  57. Live and Let Live said

    I really want to thank you for posting this. To be honest, I haven’t been all that happy about myself and now I finally understand why. Being an INFJ can be harsh and difficult because we are so exclusive among other types. Do you think there’s a possibility for INFJ and ENFP to become soulmate? I’ve never had such strong feeling before but now I think I’ve been quite infatuated with one. Sadly.

    • Paul Voorhies said

      Sorry this is, like 2 1/2 years late, but yes; absolutely. ENFPs are our friends. My little sister whom I am extremely close to and one of my best friends are both ENFPs. As a therapist, I work with many and have yet to find one whom I don’t like.

      The trick is that they have boundless energy and can be socially exhausting. They’re always into a million things at once, fighting for this cause and for that one. That meshes with our belief systems just fine. Just realize that you’re going to need a lot of quite/down time to yourself and that you won’t be able to withstand their level of activity. So…….just plan accordingly, and there is absolutely no reason that INFJs and ENFPs can’t develop tremendously deep bonds.

  58. Fergie said

    I am INFJ married to an ISTJ. I broke the no S rule. We are perfect for one another. I understand his rigidity and he understands my peculiarities. We are 40ish and married for 13 years. I know our relationship would have failed if we were in our 20s. This is a second marriage for both of us. Maturity, experience and wisdom are the keys. However, my S and N scores are only a few points apart. He is strongly S.


    • Fiona said

      Nice to see that you are happy!

    • Donna said

      I’m an INFJ married to an ISTJ too, been together 14 yrs.

    • Just Thinking said

      I think I shall faint. Rigidity. Says it all.

    • Paul Voorhies said

      I’m wildly attracted to ISTJs. I do, however, every now and then feel the compulsion to shake them a bit, mess up their hair, loosen their ties; that sort of thing. I think the attraction, for me, is that they are very confident and self-assured, extremely organized, and true introverts who are hard to get to know. I always want to “process” what happens emotionally, and they just want things to be over and done with. They move past issues very quickly. I’ve learned to respect that need and to be more brief and concise in what I say and write. But, yeah, overall, I think they are very intelligent people with incredible senses of style and decorum.

  59. Fiona said

    I am a INFJ too! It’s so nice to see my fellow INFJs!

  60. krach09 said

    i was doing a massive search on infjs.i knew i was one years ago but became more investigative because i’ve been reclusive for the past months.its a tough battle for us all.i find superficiality a disgrace, i find happy people annoying, i find materialism a turn off,i generally get pissed when people can’t see what i see.but i am wholly accepting of how the human mind works. i see the world in a different vision. relationships to me are, scary and uplifting at the same time. we are a crazy mess.the good kind of crazy (i always tell people that.)

    what brought me here was the fact that i stayed home on a saturday night feeling ultimately lousy and then realized that, i needed that time think to recharge,to feel okay with living and facing challenges.

    i used to think that saturdays are for social purposes. but immersing in a book and having a quiet time with my mum was just…something that my tired soul needed.

    cheers to the solitude.and big ups to the infjs!

  61. Lauren said

    Hey fellow INFJs,

    My voice is going to be another echo, but hopefully will add a bit, too. πŸ™‚ I’ve been slipping further into that anti-social/depressed place off and on ever since I move from my hometown and graduated from college 8 years ago. I realized that the social network I had finally managed to build for myself at home, and which was more normal to find in college, took a lifetime (or special circumstances) to achieve. Anywhere I’ve lived since then, which has been a few different states and cities, I’ve never managed to reestablish those kinds of relationships again- with maybe a couple exceptions. It is truly hard to be an introvert and need lots of alone time, and also crave those deeper connections with people, rarely finding them. Things almost always stay on the surface with the people I meet, despite my efforts to engage them in sincere conversation. I guess that’s where most people would rather remain. I’ve also ended up in relationships that weren’t healthy for me because of having too much of a good thing- empathy. I’ve been willing to overlook and accept more than was good for me because I could ‘understand’ why the people acted as they did. I think we’re vulnerable to this happening, and need to remember to protect ourselves as much as we would the others we find ourselves caring for. I also think because we so rarely connect that deeply with someone, when we do we’re sometimes willing to put up with more than a reasonable share of negativity in exchange for finally having a strong chemistry with someone. I’m blessed to finally be in a stable, peaceful, great relationship with another INFJ (btw, I hear it’s even rarer for a man to be an INFJ). But I sometimes dislike that I rely on him almost solely for my social satisfaction and life. When he’s unavailable I usually end up staying home or doing things myself. It doesn’t always bother me, but sometimes it gets me down. I don’t express that to him, though, because I know that’d be unfair to him. Has anyone else experienced this situation? I think it’s easy as INFJ to get content with just our significant other and not make the effort to find others to supplement our social lives.

    • Lily said

      Dear Lauren – I know this reply is coming a while after your post, but I just discovered this blog and am devouring it while procrastinating… I completely sympathize. You’re right, it isn’t fair to someone for them to totally satisfy your social needs, but I bet if you did tell him he might be somewhat flattered. There would definitely be that element of “don’t you have other friends?” though, and it’s something I myself am experiencing with a good friend of mine at college. I had the luck to be part of the “right crowd for me” in high school but friends are all over and so far the college crowd has not panned out quite the same way – I can count the real friends on one hand (not using all the fingers), and the problem is, they aren’t friends with each other. So, with this close friend of mine, I have certainly experienced the feeling you describe. I do understand though that what you’re saying is amped up when its your significant other, and that’s something that worries me about finally finding someone – finding them but then making them my world.

    • Just Thinking said

      I’m an INFJ who met an ENFJ and it’s a great relationship. Best ever. INTJ’s are also very nice. Just my experience, but it has always proven true.

  62. I am really late in finding this blog, but this post is just what I’ve needed. Took the Myers Briggs in college many years ago and typed out as INFJ, but forgot about that until recenlty when some friends and I were discussing M-B.

    I can relate to all of the above comments, especially the one about having paranormal/psychic experiences. I have had those all my life, but needless to say, have never had much luck in explaining them to my non-INFJ friends and family. It’s nice to see so many people have so much in common.

    For the most part I treasure my INFJ-ness, though I think it does conflict with my husband’s personality; waiting on him to decide to try the assessment for himself.

    Besides him, my favorite and most beloved friend is an ENTP, and we are a perfect fit.

    Thanks for all of these comments!

    • Contrell said

      my results were INFJ all 4 times i tested…so i know i am one, i relate perfectly to everything discussed here…now for the people who brought up PSYCHIC shit and the PARANORMAL…have any of you had experience with a phenoma called Sleep Paralysis by Doctors and “The Devil/Witch Riding Your Back” by Folklore? i have and i want to know if it’s a trait common to people with INFJ gifts.

      • Wow! I didn’t know there was a name for an experience I’ve had all my life–just did a quick search to see what that term referred to–so, the answer is yes.

        Mine are always accompanied by a nightmare; though it begins differently it always ends the same way and it has all my life. Fortunately, there’s always been someone nearby to wake me.

      • Anonymous said

        Totally random that I found this post but I am also an INFJ and also have those dreams! They started a few years ago. Completely freaked me out at first until I found out what they were. That is weird. I’ve also often had dreams about people and then told them about it only to find out something important was going on in their lives.
        Btw, I’m not so sure about INFJs not getting along with S’s. Some of my best friends are of the S type. I tend to not get along as well with E’s. Although one of my closest friends currently is an INTP and we always joke with each other that we would get married if one of us was a boy. If only I could find a male INTP – seems like the perfect match.

  63. Paul Voorhies said

    Very interesting and thoughtful piece. As a fellow (male-42 years old) INFJ, I’d say that most of what you’ve said here is true of me. The one big exception would be that I’m in a 23 year relationship with an ISFJ. Of my 3 other close friends, one is also an ISFJ, one a fellow INFJ, and the other an ENFJ (with whom, I must confess, I am absolutely dazzled by in every conceivable way. Freud’s tapping me on the shoulder here, as I’m fairly certain that my dynamic father is an ENFJ. To be fair, my I and E scores are virtually tied. Maybe that could explain it?

    As a psychotherapist, I’ve learned to embrace my INFJness, and it has obviously helped me immensely in my career. I type most of my clients, and this has had the effect of opening some insightful therapeutic doors for many. Good stuff!!

  64. Natalie said

    I recently found out I’m an INFJ, this article was accurate and on the money I could have been reading about myself.

  65. Chana said

    Wells, I’m going through my “look up everything about INFJs that I can stage”, and I’m a sophomore in college, so I guess as compared to you I’m a late bloomer in the obsession-period of personality type. I’m wondering though, what tips do you have to help me and fellow INFJs out of those reclusive times? While those select few are ever-important, social activity with everyone else can be exhausting, and sometimes socializing when exhausted just makes things worse and more frustrating – people look at you weird. How do we deal with the necessary every day people that are acquaintances or, at best, kinda-friends when we just don’t have the energy? If you have that time to respond, that would be much appreciated!

  66. Roger said

    Hi everyone, exceptional blog about INFJ’s and just the type of information and connection we all need to bring us out of what can be our inner world of isolation at times! Human connection is still the purpose of life, so I remind myself that at times when I am becoming too isolated (extremely easy to do as all INJF’s know.) Also, I’m in Atlanta Georgia and just wondering if anyone else on this blog lives in Atlanta are in the Southeast?

    • I’m not in Atlanta, but Tulsa. I have also considered looking for other local INJFs (even though it sounds like something Dr. Hartley might find waiting in his office on the Bob Newhart show), but don’t know where to begin.

  67. Dan said

    hi im an infj too. im only 15 but trust me i totally know what your talking about. i used to try to imitate other personalities, but i just suck at it. i feel like i can just never express my feelings right. everything you said labels me. my friends are so outgoing i try to match them stride for stride but i just end up acting awkward. i feel left out a social events when my friends are having fun being extraverts. i feel you bro. i feel like i am the only infj in the world right now. they are so hard to find, or at least discern.

  68. Anonymous said

    Great Post, very spot on. I’d be interested to hear some of your coping mechanisms to the issues

  69. Chad said

    Thank you for your post. πŸ™‚ I have just recently started seeing a lovely woman who is an INFJ, and this helps give me insight into her. I’m an ENFJ myself, so truly appreciate the importance of intuition and feelings. Plus I like the structure that is involved with the J. πŸ™‚ Just need to learn patience when she needs to hole up to recuperate.

  70. T.C.Thornberry said

    Being an INFJ myself it’s hard to say the least. We are so cought up in others making sure their needs, thoughts, validations, concerns, suggestions are meet cause we are truly giving people even those we do not like. The dating world is a scary place. I have only gone after 4 women in my life and got one date and later a 7 month relationship insued. She was an ENFJ and we still click and all that and are friend but I distanced myself and takes me years to not. She was in the rush to marry cause she knew what she wanted. I had no coffidense in myself to push myself to do things. I was doing it for her not for me. I have been hendered by two SJ parents. I learned stability and the structure to maintain a happy mask when around them or anyone when I was dying on the inside. Than when I read about INFJs I get so mad at it cause I don’t want to be that person yet at my core I am. I wish life as an INFJ was nurtured and shown that they don’t always have to hide. I’m lost and probably will be for another year than find and lose myself again. I found that free writting is very theropedic wher you just write what comes into your mind. Than have a INFP inturprate it. Just learn that people do accept you and be with those that do despite the world closing you off cause your awkward or crazy or odd. Find your peace, find your meaning, find the form of coffidence in being an INFJ.

  71. diyaaang said

    It wasn’t until I had to take the MBTI test for work that I knew I was an INFJ. Now a lot of things make sense! I don’t need to be popular, although it’s nice to get attention. I don’t need to hang out with my closest friends all the time, as long as I get quality time with them one-on-one from time to time. Everything you said about dating seems so true! This is amazing.

  72. B said

    I am also INFJ, female. Dad is an ESFP I think this is why I seem to go to S’s? First boyfriend was ESFP and he was very immature and a cheater – I think he still is like this. Dated an ISTP on and off for 3 years, it was pretty bad he was very controlling and on and off and a very obvious liar. I have been with an ESFP for nearly 6 years. We lived apart the first 3.5 years and we were one hours drive from one another, so it was all about fun weekends. We tried living together after that while we were both still studying, it worked for a bit because he was so busy with study and work we didn’t pick up on our major differences, but when he finished studying and just wanted to party we finally discovered them. I felt a bit bad because I had appeared to be this party goer at the start. I felt so betrayed by him because he wanted to go traveling even though we had made plans to go together. After a few weeks we decided to live separately and he moved out. I was so upset but I was able to go to some conferences and become really involved in my work and meet some great people. He decided not to travel and instead to move in with his INTJ mate and get involved in his outdoor rec work and wanted to stay together. I have lived by myself for one year since then and he has lived one hour away (we swapped towns). I am still studying, we make the weekends about catching up. I am not sure what is going to happen in the future, we talk about mutual plans for traveling and working overseas together.
    I have never dated an N but I have also not had many male friends due to spending most of my short adult life in relationships. I think I was so introverted that only extroverts who bothered pursuing me could bring me out of my shell. I am pretty balanced now and so is ESFP. I go to conferences and chat with experts in the field, he has helped me a lot with being more extroverted. ESFP’s love to tell you how awesome you are, which really helps the sad INFJ lol We enjoy spending time in nature together, we love talking about our goals and how we can better ourselves. He now spends a lot of time reading novels and hanging out with a select group of friends (while also going to parties and entertaining people). My politics passions have rubbed off on him and he likes to talk about these topics with people (as well as party). My savings plans have rubbed off on him and he is now saving to go traveling. I don’t know what will happen in our lives in the future but he has been good for this period of my life at least, I would not say don’t date an S.

  73. seaswan said

    Where can we find people to date? I have been a lonely soul all my life. I have only met one person who is probably INFJ as well but we were not together for long.

  74. Theresa said

    My best friend (possibly soulmate) is an INFJ and all this sounds so true. I’m an INFP and both of us have crazy strong iNtuition. Although he’s an Ne and I’m an Ni, which makes it interesting because he’s always expressing and verbalizing what connections he’s making and I’m always hiding mine until I figure out how I relate to them, how they jive with me, whether they are valuable or not, ect.
    “The upside is that once an INFJ finds someone with whom he shares attraction and compatibility, he usually makes a damn good partner.
    This is incredibly true. After you gain the INFJ’s trust and manage to work through their cold, distant emotional exterior, they’re the sweetest, most affectionate, loving people. The depth of their love is… ever surprising and intense.
    And don’t even get me started on the crazy psychic connection… It scares me, yet I love it…

  75. Dan said

    Thank you so much for this entry. I’m an INFJ. Not only did I connect deeply with your words, I also learned some too. Like that other personality types can teach me things. I need to accept this..

  76. Anonymous said

    I’m a 44 year old male that just learned this week that I was an infj through therapy. I totally fell head over heels for a women and everything was going great until 4th of July weekend and the amount of activity shut me down. I isolated for 2 days then slammed the door on her only to realize after I came out of my comma what I had done. I started therapy after and finally figured out what was up with me. By the time I told her about it, it was to late. The worst part about being an infj is the hart ache you feel after falling for someone and then it goes away. My therapist said we are going to work on the judgment side becaus that would help me maintain a relationship without destroying it due to my high standards. The other part I hate about it is the fantasy part.

    Know that I’m a little more enlightened I’m going to do a couple of things. 1) stay in therapy 2) work on maintaining good relationships and stop slamming the door 3) learn how to deal with social situations better so I don’t have to be alone 4) seek out a real partner who understAnds me and I can grow with. I going to actively seek out infj females and see if they get my juices flowing. I would love to go back and type some of my ex girlfriends and find out what they are so I can judge who better to look for. The women I was dating was perfect. She was just selfish enough to accept all I could give her and smart enough to give me constant praise so it would keep coming.

    Dating is easy, online baby, type in who you are And be honest, post on all the web sights you can and enjoy the ride. Women love a guy who is willing to love them deeper then they ever could imagine being loved. The sex is usually great because we are so tuned into our partners needs. The only thing is to not get lost in them. Try and maintain some distance and boundaries or you will overwhelm them. The nice part is women love affection who is better at that than us. Women love being told how amazing and beautiful they are, who is better than us at seeing beauty in the small things they do and appreciating it like its a gift from god. I know the deep sadness of wanting to feel loved and connected, I think the key is stay active and force yourself out into the world, just learn how to turn the volume down a little bit. My whole goal in life is to have a meaningful amazing relationship and shout it from the highest roof top. Trust me there are millions of women out there dying for the same thing. I must admit though its easier at my age because usually the closer a women is to 50 and the farther away she gets from 30 the more they realize that relationships are what it’s all about.

    Enough with the doom and gloom people, we are not different we are gifted. I could not imagine being one of those mindless people out there giving a shit what other people think 24/7. Walk your path with your head up and your shoulders back, fight the loneliness by staying active and learning new things. Our interests are so vast and we have such an amazing capacity to be amazed. People are fascinated by us and the way we see what they don’t see or notice what they don’t notice. Us it.

    One last thing does anybody else find people that drink to much to be the biggest aholes every, is that a infj thing or is it just me. That must be the S that everyone keeps talking about coming out in them.

    Good luck

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  78. Sarah said

    Really appreciate this post! As a fellow INFJ I have also felt misunderstood and “hidden” to a certain extent. Seeing that others have dealt with these same issues has really helped me to feel less alone and to have more hope for the future. Thank you!

  79. Sophie said

    I’m an INFJ and I can completely connect to all if this. I’ve just recently moved into a new situation and its horrible for me right now because I don’t know anyone…and its definitely hard to connect to so many new people in any kind of way that’s meaningful to me. Good to know there are people out there who get it. Thanks so much for your post πŸ™‚

  80. Reblogged this on Neil and Ann Adopt and commented:
    I (Ann) totally identify with this! Personality type theory fascinates me and it`s my go-to method for understanding and appreciating people.

  81. Carolyn said

    I am INFJ and engaged to an ISTJ. This will not be the first marriage for either of us. We have been dating for 2 years now. We are a really good fit as some others have also stated. Even though we don’t shave any actual functions in common, we do share a lot of the same drives and needs. We both have a need for order and to get things done; we both love things of beauty. Neither of us has to be perfectionistic about things; we like to socialize and be with friends–also like to have ample time alone. We both love to find a good deal, but will spend $ as needed to get what we want. We both like a mixture of expected routine as well as variety in things. We both love to laugh and share stories. I wouldn’t have thought so, but my ISTJ does have a type of intuition that seems to come from a mixture of introverted sensing and extrovert intuition. We can talk about a variety of topics for a long time and enjoy the mental stimulation that brings. When problem solving for some kind of issue or dilemma, we often reach similar conclusions. I love the trustworthiness, faithful service, duty, respect, and dedication of the ISTJ. If there is something that I need (even if inconvenient), he will try hard to meet that need. He has a feeling side that he will show some of the time…I enjoy that side when he is willing to show it. He is willing to be wrong some of the time and won’t insist on being right. He is a great cook and gardener and works hard to improve his skills. I love my ISTJ!! I think INFJ and ISTJ can be a great match if you are both mature and can realize that you can complement each other well. You can both be a source of strength for the other. The main thing is to not expect the other person to have the same life struggles that you do. That is why you are good for each other.

  82. sarah said

    I am an INFJ and married to an ESTP. It is a crazy mixture, for sure, but it works for us. I’ve read a lot about INFJ’s and there’s usually a mention of “avoid the S’s” which at first caused me alarm, considering I’m married to one. I think it’s a little unfair to just lump all “S” types in as a bad combination for the INFJ. I think any two people can be together happily, as long as there’s open communication and understanding of each person’s needs, quirks, etc. My husband and I are both musicians, and we work together, which gives us a common passion. We had to work really hard early on in our relationship to figure each other out, but once we understood how the other person ticked, and made a conscious effort to consistently make allowances for this, it all clicked. I find he gets me out of my comfort zone and helps me live a little more in the moment, and I ground him and help him to think things through a bit, before jumping off a cliff haha. I find it to be a good, albeit odd, combination πŸ™‚

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  84. CanadianGirl said

    I am an INFJ, too and find solace in reading other articles written by INFJs. It can be all too easy to stay stuck in my head rather than out and about living my life but having a read of INFJ posts always seems to be a good balance to get me feeling better and productive again!! Thanks for your blog post.

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  91. I’m an ENTP enn5. My mom is INFJ, dad I think is ISFJ (yeah, they only recently have become more peaceful lol). I really like reading what other INFJs have to say because even though I am not of this type, a lot of it really applies to me. The stuff about relationships and not enjoying one night stands for example (if this is a thing for most infjs). I’ve felt for the longest time that I should want, and do want, to be able to have one night stands because I often get tired of relationships (maybe just wasn’t developed enough or found the right person). However I sill would like to be having sex lol. Iunno, I know that once I’m in a relationship I don’t think about other girls so it’s not like I have this burning desire to sew my oats. Maybe it is more about validation or something, and/or just fear that if I don’t have a bunch of flings now, I’ll regret it somewhere down the line. However I feel like there is a way to conduct myself that is natural and I just have to go with it and I should be fulfilled. Readinf INFJs thoughts on this type of thing seems to help.

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  98. Paul V said

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  106. Kt said

    I can relate to your post. I feel that finding a happy relationship is difficult for infjs due to our high standards yet opposing desire to accept people. It can lead to long term relationships which are unfulfilling. I have a pretty strong’T’ and constantly struggle with an internal t vs f battle.

    After deciding to go with my heart over head in relationships, I was able to finally find the right person, and it has been more than either of us could have hoped for. I feel that for me at least, my only compatible partner is a fellow infj. The level of depth and love and understanding is simply not possible with other types. But you also have to find someone who is compatible in values and logistics and maturity.

    He is also a stronger F than me and he also does not struggle inside as I do and so provides me with a strong foundation that is helping me to grow and even understand myself better. Anyway I just wanted to drop a note to tell other infjs to never give up on the dream of finding the love you envision. Do not allow yourself to stay too long in relationships that don’t feel right. Find the right person and everything falls into place with minimal effort. I feel this is particularly true for the infj type itself.

    Relationships can be hard work for other types who don’t naturally desire to understand, compromise, and love. Find another infj who is compatible and there is virtually no work involved.

    • ER said

      Thank you so much for this post, Kt. I took the test almost 20 years ago in college and didn’t remember my type…and honestly thought the test was B.S….but when I retook the test a few weeks ago and it said I was an INFJ, I started reading up on the personality type and it was almost as if someone else peered into my soul and wrote a book about it. It just made…so much damn sense.

      I really enjoyed your post because I can relate to it so much. I’m in my early 40s now…but in my younger days I filled my days and nights writing poems, thinking, fantasizing about meeting my true soulmate and having that perfect union.. I even went so far to write a complete love story in book form. It is good to dream…but looking back now I realize that I was in my head too much. Especially when I projected these fantasies onto the women I met (and many times, was drawn to) but then judged them unfairly when they did not meet up to my ridiculous expectations.

      And conversely, I remember several women during those days that went out of their way to get my attention that I found beautiful and interesting, but I always found some flaw and deemed them not worthy of pursuit. One in particular I will never forget…we had some mutual friends and I remember her going out of her way to get to know me by initiating conversations that I usually acknowledged with a wave or a nod. She was…beautiful and fascinating…but she also liked to drink alcohol (socially) for fun and that was a big no-no on my list. I will never forget the last time I saw her when we bumped into each other on campus and she gave me a sad smile and looked at me like she wished I would say something but I did not…and then her shoulders went down a bit and she walked away..and almost 20 years later I have never forgotten how stupid I was to not even at least try to know her. It was, and continues to be so rare for women to “get” let alone show that level of interest in me…and in my stupidity of youth I did not see her for what she was and could have been.

      But, I feel now that this is a good thing – at that stage in my life, she deserved better. Someone on this thread commented on never settling, but I don’t quite agree with that. Look for that powerful connection, but do not discount someone just because they do not live up to your ideals, which may be unrealistic. People are real, fantasies are not.

      Kt, what you shared about accepting people yet having those high standards is what led me to reply here. I recently ended a short relationship (6 mos) with a lady that I had a sense wasn’t quite right for me…yet there was this amazing intellectual, emotional and physical connection between us. It had been so many years since I felt that type of bond that I did the opposite of what I did in my younger days…I forgave her far too easily for the lack of energy she put into our relationship…yet knowing that she, like myself had been through so much in her life my compassionate and empathic heart wanted to be with her, thinking that love could help her heal. I ended up exhausted, frustrated and emotionally and spiritually drained…and the more I gave her, the more she took with very little given back in return.

      And as we all know…you cannot help someone heal who does not want to heal. She refused to work on herself and took our relationship for granted, and I finally had to walk away for good. I know I will meet someone else…but it was so hard to leave that wonderful chemistry…yet at the end of the day, staying together was only hurting us both.

      Hopefully it will not be so many years before I meet someone new…but I take solace in the fact that I am very comfortable being alone. A little too comfortable, sometimes, however! So much to work on…so little time…

      May we all find that love which we seek. πŸ™‚

      • Sum Guy said

        “Look for that powerful connection, but do not discount someone just because they do not live up to your ideals, which may be unrealistic. People are real, fantasies are not.”

        So true.

        Good to see your post gets comments even years later. Dating an INFJ and really digging the IN connection, an INTJ/INTP myself. Dated an ENFP for a while but she was very insecure when I wanted more introverted time or wanted to do more introverted things.

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